Adam to God

[ Imaginary Conversation between Satan, Eve, Adam, and God ]

SATAN: Hey, sexy nude. Get your bare little hinder over here, on the double.

EVE: (A talking serpent! Kinky! I gotta check this out) = Why? Whaddaya want?

SATAN: Hungry, toots? Have a nice apple!

EVE: Why in the wide, wide, wide world of sports don't you mind your own business, Devil? Why butt into my affairs?
Here I am, walking along without any disturbance and harassment.....and you interfere and do your damndest to try and mess things up. What gives? No - I'll pass on that apple, or whatever it is.

SATAN: Why? Did God say that you can't eat of any tree-fruit in the garden, or instead of any 'tree' in the garden?"

EVE: How the hell did you come up with that misrepresentation, snakey? You know damn well that God did not say that we can't eat of any tree in the garden! What are you - dense? Some kind of a nut? Hard of hearing? Listen up to His Words more carefully, slinky.
For your information, He said we could eat off any tree except the one you want me to eat off of. And if I might add a few words God did not say: "We cannot even touch the forbidden fruit, not to mention eat it, lest we die."

SATAN: What's "die?" Do you have any idea? You wouldn't die completely - right away - in every sense of the word. You merely start to die in every way. It'll take a while. Anyway, don't believe that stuff. He lies. Your innocence of being naked will die, and you will start to blush with shame to beat all if you taste the fruit.

EVE: God LIES, huh? You are one fuhk of an accursed azshole!
I don't know what to think. I should go talk it over with Adam first, instead of being a naiive and gullible dippy-twit, feminist-sexist, self-sufficient, power-hungry idiot. At any rate, the apple looks good - no worms or rot or anything - so, what the heck, I'll take a bite and see if I start to "die"gradually (whatever the duce that means) and become ashamed of my alleged 'total nakedness.'

[And now, after Eve has eaten of the Forbidden Fruit, and appearing at some distance from Adam -- partially obscured to him by a palm tree]:

ADAM: Hey Eve, why are you so far away and trying to hide from me? And what's that silly little apron for, which you're wearing - hiding your pubic hair from me?

EVE: I ate the Forbidden Fruit, and my eyes are opened. Incidently, it took you long enough to observe that I am only sort of clothed now with my arms, breasts, back, thighs, butt, legs, and feet still exposed to general public view....and now I'm even ashamed of letting you - my husband along with future men in society - see my private genitalia.
Moreoever, I am now beginning to conceive of murder, stealing, adultery, sodomy, kidnapping abduction, lying, cheating, abortion, evolution, atheism, blasphemy, plus every other type of evil - especially feminist-sexist-twit,"equal"-to-and-arrogantly-competitive-against-men chauvenism.....and...your penis is showing.

Here, you indecently-exposed pervert, eat some of this crap yourself, so you can be defiled like me. You're a holier-than-thou embarrassment the way you are now.

ADAM: No kiddin? Gimme some of that stuff, so I also can pollute myself, disobey God's explicit Word to not so do, and die -- after blaming you, the deceived and egocentrically power-hungry weaker gender for being such a presumptive fool!

GOD: Oh Adam? Eve? Come out, come out - wherever you are....even though I'm omniscient and know everything as to what you've done, and you have to start a discussion of indecent exposure.

ADAM: God, I feel dirty.

Why did You create the earth and heavens and all therein? Were You lonely,and therefore inadequate to exist without mortal companionship and communication?
Did You have a self-esteem problem, requiring You to create what or who could or would praise You?
Why did You create us humans with a free will so we could screw up - instead of making us robots? What the hell advantage is free choice if You saw we going to mis-use it?
You like the prospect of being surprised and disappointed by us?
Why did You put the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden - and right in the middle, at that?
Why did You even suggest evil...or the first place?
How were we to know what that was, and how bad it is?
It is alleged You tempt no one to sin, yet You did tempt us by creating that Subtle-Serpent creature and the Forbidden Tree! Therefore, did You Yourself not sin, making it easy for us to understand that Jesus Christ is to become sin for us someday by hanging on a tree and thus atoning for us as our guaranteed Ticket into Heaven by becoming a curse for that we will have fully-clothed spiritual and fleshly bodies in The New Jerusalem in the distant future?
Why did You incarnate Satan in snake form? Should we now kill all snakes we see to rid the world of wickedness?

We need some better clothes, Lord. Why did You create us naked at all to begin with? You like seeing pornography? Why did You not tell us what nudity was? Were You ashamed of it? What was the Big Secret? So what if we had known we were naked? True, clothes of any type would not have appealed to us at that time anyway, but instead would have seemed senseless, needless, useless -- a ridiculous cumbersome annoyance and inconvenience. Why did You give us a shameless attitude about total nudity before we ate the Fruit, then give us shame about that same total nudity after we ate?

How are we supposed to reproduce wearing these clothes? It is now OK to strip completely nude to get sexually aroused enough to have intercourse with or without pleasure, get pregnant, and make babies?

GOD: So I'm creative - give Me a break. Don't worry about it. The 66-book HOLY BIBLE will soon become written - full of sacred stories of rape, murder, molestation, incest, prostution, adultery, indecent exposure, robbery, blasphemy, and so on. It will eventually get better. It's all part of My overall plan. You'll see.

Look, just because I did the equivalent of spreading out BBs on a smooth hard floor or a loose roller skate for you blind innocent step on and trip over, I never told you to accidently slip on them. In fact, I ordered you to NOT slip on them - deliberately or otherwise - but instead to watch out! Gonna now sue Me, complain to OSHA, or try take out expensive accident insurance?

It was your choice to screw up and disobey Me. I cannot be blamed for you misusing your free choice - even though I was responsible and the cause of terroristically and dangerously imposing theTree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, plus the Subtle-Lying-Serpent Satan stumbling blocks within the Garden of Eden! Sorry I did not post a skull-and-crossbones flashing-neon warning sign in big letters surrounded by flashing strobe lights around That Tree, but I figured you all would eventually be curious, rebellious, and stupid enough to try what you did. And, I suppose that temporarily providing that eternal-fountain-of-youth-like Tree of Life was no consolation, either, because you had no reasonable idea what the scope of the word 'die' was.

However, it is not for Me to repent. In summmary, you have to repent....I Myself do not have to, nor will I. Who would I repent to: Myself? You? WHO sits on the Creator's throne and cannot be kicked off? You?
I have been, am now, and will be perfectly consistent with My own will and how I set up things. You - in despicable and lamentable contrast - have not! Either you do things My way with your'free' will....or You go down. No offense, but: Get a Life, and Get With The Program!

If you still have a problem with all this, keep in mind (as much as you're able with your pathetically-infinitesmal puny comprehension and perception capacity) how infinitely great I am compared to you. And good. I already have been, am now, and will always be very benevolent to you all.
You like the moderate temperatures, the right amount of sunlight intensity and duration, the cool oceans and refreshing lakes, the correct composition of Earth's atmosphere, the Van Allen Radiation belts around Earth, the myriad variety of lifeforms to observe and explore and pet and trap and train and eat, and an overwhelmng host of beautiful and awesome other-thing phenomena of My Nature? Things could be one hell of a lot worse - literally! - if I wanted them to! So shape up, or ship out.

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