Hauskalz

In the interest of promoting and facilitating
the Creator's first command to our mutually-nude primal parents
back in the beginning of human history,
the following chat scenarios are provided.


The first involves Doug the Plumber being called by a 22-year-old woman and her 13-year-old niece
The second involves Pete the Gardener being called by a 20-year-old woman and her 14-year-old niece
The third involves Jack the Electrician being called by a 21-year-old woman and her 13-year-old niece
The fourth and final involves Tina's Treasurehouse being called by a 14-year-old witch


SCENARIO #1 INVOLVING DOUG THE PLUMBER

[Woman phoning Doug's business number]:"Hello, is this Dug's Plumbing?"
DOUG: "It is."
WOMAN: "Dug, I am an always-chignoned/long-sleeved/slacks-and-socks-wearing-whenever-in-general-public-view, never-been-married, Judeo-Christian, 22-year-old woman who has a non-innocent, "underaged," vice-cop-decoy, 13-year-old-seductress niece imposing herself on me for a couple weeks, and my drain needs to be opened."
DOUG: "Have you tried a drain opener?"
WOMAN: "I thought about using a frozen wiener to stick it down my drain hole, and figured that it certainly was rigid enough, but finally concluded that that would not be effective...would it, Dug?"
DOUG: "Yes, you probably need something a little longer which would go deeper."
WOMAN: "Are you married, Dug? Perhaps you could come over and stick your snake down my hole if you're willing."
DOUG: "Yes, I am happily married, but would accept you as a secondary-status common-law spouse, since you obviously are desperate and want to obey God's command to reproduce, fill the Earth, and subdue it.
First, though, I will send you out a Service Survey Form which you must mail back within a day or so, and then after I receive it, if I think that your response answers are adequate, I will send you out a Eligibility Analysis Form for you to answer and mail back to me within a day or so. Upon receiving that, and determining that your answers are satisfactory, I will come over and open your drain in private.

[Doug mails both Forms to her, she answers both satisfactorily, and Doug arranges a time for him to drive over to her house and open her drain. As he enters the door, the 13-year-old niece is there all alone, and Doug tells her that he has come to open her drain. Then Khris Handsin of "DATELYING: To Catch a Predator" comes in and begins to interrogate Doug]:

CHRIS: "Do you realize that the 22-year-old woman suddenly had to go to the emergency room of the hospital, and it is illegal to solicit a 13-year-old niece about opening her drain? We have your phone-conversation transcripts. Police thugs are outside waiting to tackle and cuff you, shove you into a squad car, then force you to go to a judge, where you will be sentenced to anywhere from a year of probation to three or more years in jail."
DOUG: "Pardon me while I cellphone my lawyer, then pay off Blavatsky and Gurdijev to hit your wife and kid, respectively, then each other simultaneously, mechanic-style, so neither one will be able to tell who hired them and the executions will be accomplished without a trace as to the source."

SCENARIO #2 INVOLVING PETE THE GARDENER

[Woman phoning Pete's business number]:"Hello, is this Peat's Gardening Store?"
PETE: "It is."
WOMAN: "Peat, I am an always-chignoned/long-sleeved/slacks-and-socks-wearing-whenever-in-general-public-view, Judeo-Christian, never-before-married 20-year-old woman who has an un-innocent, "underaged," vice-cop-decoy, 14-year-old-seductress niece polluting me with her presence for a week or so, and my garden needs to be fertilized by a professional like you who can demonstrate how deep your seed in store should be planted therein with your rigid planting tool." Are you married, Peat?
PETE: "Yes, I am happily married, but would accept you as a secondary-status common-law spouse, since you obviously are desperate and want to imitate the multiple-wives harem polygamy tradition of such Old-Testament patriarchs as Abraham, Jacob, Gideon, David, and Solomon, while understanding that Saint Paul ordered only bishops and deacons to monogamously be the husband of one wife, according to the theocratic legality of a 'One Man For Two-Or-More Women' Revised Federal Marriage Amendment.
First, though, I will send you out a Service Survey Form which you must mail back within a day or so, and then after I receive it, if I think that your response answers are adequate, I will send you out a Eligibility Analysis Form for you to answer and mail back to me within a day or so. Upon receiving that, and determining that your answers are satisfactory, I will come over and fertilize your garden in private.

[Pete mails both Forms to her, she answers both satisfactorily, and Pete arranges a time for him to drive over to her house and fertilize her garden plus planting his seed. As he enters the door, the 14-year-old niece is there all alone, and Pete tells her that he has come to fertilize her garden and plant his seed. Then Khris Handsin of "DATELYING: To Catch a Predator" comes in and begins to interrogate Doug]:

CHRIS: "Do you realize that the 20-year-old woman had a flat tire but has to wait two hours for a tow truck, and it is illegal to solicit a 13-year-old niece about fertilizing her garden and planting your seed? Don't you realize that the lying and stalking, conspiratorial-entrapment-perpetrator, vice-cop-decoy niece has a DDT equivalent of some serious VD you could infect your own garden with? We have your phone-conversation transcripts. Police thugs are outside waiting to tackle and cuff you, shove you into a squad car, then force you to go to a judge, where you will be sentenced to anywhere from a year of probation to three or more years in jail."
PETE: "Pardon me while I cellphone my lawyer, the advertisers hosting you, their families and employers, the Better Business Bureau, the Department of Commerce, the Interstate Commerce Commission, the Governor, the congregation members of the church you attend, choice contacts with the Italien and Russian mafia, a few ruthless Mexican drug lords, a couple islamic suicide-bomber terrorists, and the local news media..."

SCENARIO #3 INVOLVING JACK THE ELECTRICIAN

[Woman phoning Jack's business number]:"Hello, is this Jack's Electrical-Connector Store?"
JACK: "It is."
WOMAN: "Jack, I am an always-chignoned/long-sleeved/slacks-and-socks-wearing-whenever-in-general-public-view, Judeo-Christian, never-been-married 21-year-old woman who has a far-from-innocent, "underaged," vice-cop-decoy, 13-year-old-seductress niece sexually harassing my neighbors around me for a couple weeks, and I was wondering if you had a male plug adapter which you could connect to my female socket so that juice can be transferred to get me warm again?"
JACK: "It might cost you an arm and a leg, and probably much more."
WOMEN" "Whatever parts you need and want, I would consentually, voluntarily, eagerly, and happily give you. Are you married?"
JACK: "Yes, I am happily married, but would accept you as a secondary-status common-law spouse, since you obviously are desperate and want to obey the Lord's command through Saint Paul stated in the King James Version rendition of First Timothy 5 verse 14 that younger women (with no mention whatsoever of the word "widows" as to the exact wording of the Greek Text) should get married and bear children.
First, though, I will send you out a Service Survey Form which you must mail back within a day or so, and then after I receive it, if I think that your response answers are adequate, I will send you out a Eligibility Analysis Form for you to answer and mail back to me within a day or so. Upon receiving that, and determining that your answers are satisfactory, I will come over to insert my male plug into your female receptacle in private to light up your life and enjoy the jolt of orgasm when tightly connected.

[Jack mails both Forms to her, she answers both satisfactorily, and Jack arranges a time for him to drive over to her house and connect his male plug into her female receptacle to power her up. As he enters the door, the 13-year-old niece is there all alone, and Jack tells her that he has come to connect his male plug adapter into her female receptacle to charge her up. Then Khris Handsin of "DATELYING: To Catch a Predator" comes in and begins to interrogate Doug]:

CHRIS: "Do you realize that the 21-year-old woman got tied up and gagged by our voyeuristic staff before you got here, and it is illegal to solicit a 13-year-old niece about inserting your male adapter plug into her female-receptacle socket? What do you think this is, a gas station where a woman obscenely sticks the non-condomed gas-pump-handle protuberation pipe into the non-hymenized hole of her car's gas tank? We have your phone-conversation transcripts. Police thugs are outside waiting to tackle and cuff you, shove you into a squad car, then force you to go to a judge, where you will be sentenced to anywhere from a year of probation to three or more years in jail."
JACK: "Pardon me while I cellphone my lawyer, or whip out my concealed-weapon .45 and blow your brains out..."

SCENARIO #4 INVOLVING TINA'S TREASUREHOUSE

[14-year-old witch phoning Tina's business number]:"Hello, is this Tina's Treasurehouse?"
TINA: "It is."
THE WITCH: "Are you Tina?"
TINA: "If you want to call me that, sweetie. We have to remain anonymous around here for reputational reasons, and to guard against intrusion by obscenely-hairstyled mopheaded spies from Hannity on FOX or Pierce the Brit on CNN."
THE WITCH: OK, "Tina." Funny you didn't mention Rachel the Twit. Anyway, as I was sensuously soliciting you on internet chat (which is all on printed transcript copied by DATE-LYING snoops who get their jollies from monitoring such filth), you mentioned the ProntoPup as one your items available from the Treasurehouse. Can you tell me more about it, do you have one in stock, and can you come over here and demonstrate it with me?"
TINA: No problem, honey. The ProntoPup, which we sometimes call The SuperBrat, is about a foot long, made out of rubber, and perfect for lesbians to mutually insert into between their legs on each end of the ProntoPup while they sodomizingly lick, kiss, and hug together.
Are you a lesbian, love? Do you always try your best to not do whatever is written in The Bible, and instead do the opposite?
THE WITCH: Oh yes - to both questions. Can you come over right away, so you and I can try it out together while we're both naked and alone in my house?
TINA: I'll be over there as soon as I can.

[Tina enters The Witch's house, and The Witch tells her to wait while she urinates. Then Khris Handsin of "DATELYING: To Catch a Predator" comes in and begins to compliment and praise Tina]:

HAND-SIN: "Hi Tina! Been a while. Do you realize that we're all set up here for some serious televice?
You plan to use the ProntoPup with the 14-year-old Witch? We'll have to let THAT one slide! And slide and slide and slide - oh yeah!

Do you realize how delightfully homosexual that is - a refreshing change from the normal and dreary heterosexual-oriented "depravity" we and our news team usually are deviantly nauseated by? Rest assured: we and the homogay team outside do NOT want to interrupt your quasi-erotic enjoyment....because you both are women, and you (obviously the superior gender) can do nothing wrong -- only men are always to blame, and should always be the sole targets of arrest, conviction, and imprisonment. The warped feminist sexist out there in TV Land really suck it up with their livid malicious chauvenism. MEN - not you lesbians - are the ruthless and murderous stalkers always seen on DATE-LYING who impolitely barge into people's houses like this one without warning, and invariably soon succeed not in simply making verbal excuses for why there are here, but rather ACTUALLY, mercilessly, and brutally raping TOTALLY-non-consentual, "under-aged," grievously-shocked, female victims who are completely innocent...while being closely observed or potentially seen by their fathers, brothers, boyfriends, and other male relatives hiding here and there throught houses like this, or just might pop in at any anytime (which every male moron who comes in here of course indifferently and completely disregards the possibility of that happening).
TINA: Thank you, Mr. Kristy Hand-Sin. You and I sure go back a long way, both in and out. I know you would never consider stalking me or the witch, being that we all are voluntarily consentual and clearly not getting illegally entangled with dishonest and deceptive entrapment. Now, if you and your news team would please make yourselves comfy on those living-room sofas over there and prepare to fondle yourselves, the witch and I will promptly proceed to completely strip each other and get it on with the ProntoPup.
Enjoy!