Pun Fun

Punfun with Milton Berle
Gym-Guy Sharpshooters
Punt Run Rule
Honk and Bump
Jumping Gates
Boxing Cat
Super Cruncher
4WD Grip
Sci-Fi Bubble Spikes
Musical Floppy Drives
Guided Missile
One-Wheel Bicycle
Tot-Girl Sex Dance?
Great Pass-Receiver Catch
Good Badminton

[ Compilation credit is given to Bob Phillips of Spire for Vision House ]

A woman complained to the cop: "Why did you give me a parking ticket? What do you do when you catch a real criminal?"
The cop responded: "I dunno. All I ever catch are the innocent ones."

A stalled car sat still at a traffic light as the lights went from red to green to yellow to red to green to yellow to red.
Finally a cop came up and said, "Pardon me, sir, but don't we have any color you like?"

"Hello, 911? I lost my cat and..."
"Sorry, ma'am. That's not an emergency. Phone the fire department."
"But you don't understand. That is a very intelligent cat, almost human. He can practically talk."
"Well, you'd better hang up. It might be trying to phone you right now."

"What am I supposed to do with this?" complained the motorists as the police receptionist handed him a receipt for his traffic fine.
"Keep it," the clerk replied. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."

Frivolous nuisance calls to the cops are getting so numerous that the police department now has an unlisted number.

A cop stopped a man driving the wrong way on a reservation.
"Didn't you see the arrow?" the officer asked.
"Arrow? Honestly, officer, I didn't even see the Indian."

A Game Warden asked the lone guy on a lake in a boat: "Fishing?"
"No sir. Drowning worms."

The Game Warden went to the next guy he found in a boat.
"Catch any fish?" he asked him.
The fisherman replied: "Better believe it. Caught three big ones early this morning."
The Game Warden replied, "Do you know who I am? I'm the Game Warden."
The fisherman answered back: "Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the county."

Several elderly women appeared in court, each accusing the other of making noise in the apartment complex where they lived.
The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, said to the ladies: "I'll hear the oldest first."
The case closed for lack of evidence.

A burglar was startled and exclaimed: "The police are coming. Quick, jump out of the window!"
The accomplice objected: "But we're on the 13th Floor!"
The burglar insisted: "This is no time to be superstitious."

The other day a guy pointed a gun at another guy, and said, "Stick 'em up, and congratulations."
The other guy replied: "What's the congratulations for?"
The guy with the gun responded: "You are going to enter a lower tax bracket."

As a bank robber was holding up a bank, he said to the cashier: "Give me all your money."
The teller replied: "Take the books also. I'm short 50,000 dollars."

A prison executioner apologized to a guy as he slipped the noose over the man's head,
informing the condemned fellow: "Sorry for being so nervous. This is my first hanging."
The other guy answered: "Mine too."

A thief walked up to a potential victim, and said, "Stick 'em down."
The targeted one replied: "You mean stick 'em up."
The thief responded: "No wonder I haven't made any money yet."

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it.
The Quaker heard noises, took his shotgun downstairs, and found the burglar.
Aiming the gun at him, he calmly said, "Friend, I mean thee no harm,
but thou standest where I am about to shoot."

The detective asked the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the 3rd time by the same bandit:
"Did you notice anything special about the man?"
The teller replied: "Yes, he seemed better dressed each time."

Pity the poor atheist who feels grateful but has no one to thank.

An atheist was overheard saying: "Thank God that I'm an atheist!"

A atheist's son asked his parents: "Do you think that God knows we don't believe in Him?"

The affliction that brought about the death of Samson? Fallen arches.

The best financiers in the Bible?
Noah - when he floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
The daughter of Pharaoh, when she went to the bank and drew out a little prophet.

The straightest man in the Bible? Joseph - Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

What animals took the most and least baggage into the Ark?
The elephant took his trunk, while the fox and the rooster only took a brush and comb.

What man in the Bible supposedly had no parents? Joshua, the son of Nun.

When was baseball mentioned in the Bible?
When Rebekkah walked to the well with the pitcher, and the Prodigal Son made a home run.

When was money first mentioned in the Bible?
When the dove from the Ark brought back a little green.

Who was the most popular actor in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

What male was his enemy's nanny?
David, when he rocked Goliath to sleep.

What instructions did Noah give his sons about fishing off the Ark?
"Easy on the bait, boys. I only have two worms."

What money was found on the Ark?
The duck had a bill, the frog had a greenback, and the skunk had a scent.

Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.

Where was Solomon's temple?
On part of his head.

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

What fruit lasted longest in the Ark?
The preserved pairs.

Guy asking gal for a date: "If you can guess what I have in my hand, I'll take you out tonite."
Gal responds with: "A rhinoceros!"
Guy follows up exclaiming: "No, but that's close enough. I'll pick you up at 7 sharp."

Guy: "Ah, look at that cow and calf rubbing noses in the pasture. The sight makes me want to do the same.
Gal: "Go ahead. It's your cow."

Guy: "Oh my dear. How can I leave you without kissing you goodnite on our first date?"
Gal: "By train, plane, or taxi."

Guy: "Honey, would you be willing to live on my income?"
Gal: "Sure, if you'll get another one for yourself."

Guy: "Darling, I lost all my money."
Gal: "That's OK. I love you just as much, even if I never see you again."

Mopheaded, short-skirted Gal to guy: "I'm telling you for the last time. You can't kiss me tonight."
Guy in response: "Sweet. I knew that you would weaken."

Gal: "Do you love me?"
Guy: "Yes dear."
Gal: "Would you die for me?"
Guy: "Mine is an undying love."

Mike: "That girl in the pink dress isn't very smart."
Mark "I know. She hasn't paid any attention to you yet."

Guy: "What would I have to give you for one little kiss on our first date?"
Gal: "Chloroform."

Mary: "Look at my engagement ring!"
Martha: "It's lovely. Nice to know you're not marrying a spendthrift."

Heard about the uncle who was a cannibal? He was living off his wife for 30 years.

The Gentiles think they're heard for their many words. The sermon redundantly lingering on and on,
when the minister finally paused and asked: "What more can I say?"
"Amen." replied a voice from the back.

One pastor said that the reason church people slumbering in the pews would get to heaven fastest was:
The Bible says: "The dead in Christ shall rise first."

A young girl confessed the sin of vanity to her pastor, stating that:
"Every morning when I look in the mirror I say how beautiful I am."
"Never fear, my child," the minister responded. "That isn't a sin, it's only a mistake."

- http://icorigin.livejournal.com