Resurretti

Not much is recorded in the canonical New Testament of what all Jesus said to His disciples after His resurrection,
and much need not be said, concordant with the acceptably-limited info we have available in The Holy Bible.

However, perhaps it would behoove us all to logically assume that Jesus did verbally communicate much more to His choice disciples about a lot of other things after He was raised from the dead, and maybe it might even be edifying to speculate on additional imaginary dialogue which maybe might have transpired pertaining to those sundry subjects He expounded and elaborated upon.

This piece is respectfully submitted thereto with that intention.

Peter: Hey guys, wanna go fishing? We're getting low on our supply of kosher gefilte fillets lying down there in the deep cellar.

Andrew: Why not? Let's do it.

[Jesus suddenly appears in the group, sitting on a chair in a corner].

Jesus: Hi guys.

James: What in the wide wide wide world of sports? How the duce did you ever get in here with the door locked? Did you break in when we were not here yet? If so, how did you do that? You a professional lockpicker? Oh my gosh, you sure look like Jesus the Christ who they crucified and who died. Are you His twin brother? Never knew that He had an identical twin brother. Did any of you guys know that?

All in Unison: No way, Jimmy.

Jesus: Cool it, guys. It's really me. Sorry about scaring you. Smell my breath to know that I breathe and don't even need mouthwash anymore. Even though you all are clearly not homoqueer, you all wanna feel me here and there?

Matthew: Well, I'd be damned - if it isn't actually you, Lord!

Jesus: You'd all be damned if it wasn't me, all you scaredy-cat devout Jews, cowering in understandable fear of religious jewish murderers with their hit men out to lynch you also and seize your assets.

Thomas: I'm gonna get the retinal-scan machine, the fingerprint-analysis device, and maybe take a DNA test to make sure.

Jesus: What do you think of Doubting Thomas, guys?

All, but Thomas: Booooooo. He speaks for himself.

Jesus: Hey Tommy, put your hand into my healed nail wounds and touch me, without pressing too hard.

Thomas: Oh my God. Sometimes, you wake up, only to see the buzzards flying overhead. Guess it's going to be one of those days that seems like you're blindfolded, holding a stick, and all those around you are pinatas.

Jesus: You guys have any food around here?

Bart: Some gefilte fish. Maybe a little Matzo ball soup. Want some?

Jesus: Got tartar sauce with the fish? Plus perhaps a little non-alcoholic Baptist grape juice to drink?

Bart: We got real wine, Lord, the kind you can get drunk on if you guzzle too much. Sure we got all that stuff, but you might have to pee and poop after ingesting all that.

Jesus: That reminds of a joke a couple of dudes by the name of - never mind - I heard. Wanna hear it?

All: Fire away.

Jesus:

GUY#1 = "Well, I gotta go now.
GUY#2 = "Now? Why now?
GUY#1 = Gotta get something strong to drink.
GUY#2 = Screwdriver?
GUY#1 = No. Prune juice. Pile driver.

All: Now we know where we left our hearing aids.

Jesus: Depends, when you get to the bottom of it all. No need to do any of that elimination from now on. Urinating was one thing, but defecating another. Diarrhea still scares me. Constipation I can do without. And I always hated wiping myself. So messy. Don't have to do that anymore. Can if I want, but rather not.

All: Thank God.

John: . . . from whom all blessings flow. Can you still get erect, Lord? Non-impotently posture then bathe as mentioned in Leviticus 15:18 of Torah Law with that glorified younger-looking body you now have?

Jesus: Keep me away from the wild women.

Quarantine and sequester the publicly-mopheaded/sleeveslessly-naked-armed/slackslessly-nude-legged/soxlessly-flipflop-footed foxes that spoil the vineyards, per Song of Solomon 2:15.

I don't have much time before I ascend, and I am not referring to the arousable blessed appendage of my lower unit which someone's wife can titillatingly grab as mentioned in Deuteronomy 25:11-12.

John: Hey Lord. We have a few questions we'd like to ask you.

Jesus: Regarding exclusively-marital cunnilingus in private or lollypop fellatio? Lay it on me. Bare the interrogatives.

Mark: Roman and jewish homosexuals are demanding rights. Can homogay dogs get hitched to other homoqueer dogs? Homofaggot pigs court each other for matrimony with same-gender homosodomy-unions licensing? What rights should we acknowledge that they still have?

Jesus: The right to repent and stop being homosexually-oriented. The right to become heterosexual, only. The right to not sodomize but instead marry for procreation to avoid becoming extinct. The right to publicize all that.

And if they do not want to use any of those rights, the only right remaining is the right to be executed per Leviticus 20:13 and similar Scriptural directives.

Judas: Maybe the anti-homosexual Russians can get islamic-extremist ISIS to do that.

Jesus: Whatever it takes.

Peter: You know, Lord, I have a mother-in-law. That means I am married as the first married pope of the Catholic Church, and my wife goes along with this Christianity thing, calling me Cephas. Paul won't be so lucky; his wife will disown him after his conversion on the road to Damascus.

My question has to do with the harem polygamy of Abraham, Jacob renamed "Israel," Gideon, David, Solomon, and other patriarchs, whose writing made it into canonical Scripture - all of whom had multiple wives and concubines.

Did they sin by having more than one spouse simultaneously, and did they feel that they were cheating on their various spouses when they had sex with the other spouses, and did they sensuously desire and love all equally in erotic fairness to each of them, and what did their various spouses think about all of that?

If they did transgress by acquiring additional spouses, why the hel did G-d not explicitly condemn them for so polygamizing?

Jesus: You might be interested to know that detailed sexual activities of all you guys, good and bad, are not going to be recorded in the New Testament, in contrast to the elaboration of such pertaining to the Old-Testament patriarchs preceding you, because that would make the New Testament too lengthy - especially regarding you guys, who are a bunch of male nymphos.

It obviously was, and yet is, most convenient to get and retain only one spouse, in many ways. You guys are so busy, and going to get even busier, that - in view of your missionary activism and consequential persecution - you won't have either the time nor the money to adequately take care of multiple spouses. Your spouses you now have simply will not be able to keep up with you in everything you do.

Not that you cannot get additional spouses, if you really need and want to, but keep in mind that your additional spouses will require additional care in all sorts of ways, especially with kids being born and raised, which - if you really did not need nor want it - you would hopelessly and destructively entangle yourselves with an insurmountable burden you could neither tolerate nor take.

Remember, Abraham and Jacob, David and Solomon, and others had the financial and circumstantial resources to acquire and support multiple spouses, whether wives or concubines. Not only that, they themselves comprised the Government and made the laws as to who could marry who, who could have how many, and strictly disallowed feminist sexist and chauvinistic lawsuit claims of "bigamy" exuding from such vile-vermin filth.

What woman would not have wanted to be the wife or even concubine of a fabulously rich ruler, and become part of his inheritance?

Although Roman law allows such non-State-registered concubine acquisition and retention for you guys, other than what the Roman census has recorded about you and your official marital status, your lives would get quite complicated and your energies significantly diverted if you did not keep it simple as to one man with one woman.

However, the plural-spouses option is certainly available and legitimate, being that the Spirit is going to inspire Saint Paul, in one of his epistles to his adopted son Timothy, to inform everyone that only bishops and deacons have to remain monogamous as long as they are bishops and deacons, and I wouldn't be surprised if some of you guys got so hot with desire that some of you have enlisted or will commission a concubine or two for yourselves on the side, if you can find a dating service who caters to already-married husbands -- realizing that that is the only moral option against and in place of masseuse and escort adultery....and I know full well that you would not dissipate your strength and waste yourselves screwing around with Greek or Roman porn drawings, sculptures, and live sex shows.

John: I suppose that since most States of the Union allow same-gender dogs to "legally" "marry" - which is something never mentioned within the entirety of Old-and-New-Testament Holy Writ - it certainly shouldn't be a big deal for the Government to allow consensual opposite-gender consenting adults to become non-State-licensed spouses rather than simply shack up as sinful fornicators - which opposite-gender spousing is something that often happened, especially as recorded within the Old Testament.

Jesus: Exactly.

Matthew: But isn't it true that many of the Old-Testament accounts of multiple wives involved one of the wives craving pregnancy and children they could consider their own, along with the accompanying inheritance thereof, such as Sarai giving Abram Hagar, and Rachel giving Jacob her maid as concubine or wife?

Jesus: Right on.

Mark: Could a minister in some evangelical Protestant or Catholic church who was approached by a heterosexual couple wanting him to marry them refrain from asking the marital status of the man but merely ask the marital status of the woman, and what would the couple say when he asked to sign their marriage certificate after performing their wedding?

Jesus: Maybe they could say that they previously eloped. And perhaps the primary, or first wife, of the then-polygamous husband would not appreciate attending the wedding of her husband to another woman, so covert discretion would be best in such cases.

All: That would work!

Jesus: Does that answer your questions about all that?

All: Good enough for now.

Peter: Wanna go fishing with us, Lord?

Jesus: Not right now, I'm a happy bachelor. Don't have time to fix the shingles, don't have time to fix the door. This world is not my home, I'm just a-passin' through. Besides, I have a couple of guys walking on the road to Emmaus I gotta chat with, eat with, then vanish. See you later, alligators. Afterwhile, crocodiles. Toodleloo, kangaroos.

All: Maybe not, you little s--- Uh, never mind.

Chow.