Unbuffed

It seems occasionally "kinky" to imagine more of the dialogue which perhaps took place in The Garden of Eden but which quasi-apocrypha clearly is not recorded in ACTUAL Holy Writ (nor should be), concordant with the following premise:

Proverbs 30:6 Do not add to His words, lest He criticize you, and you be found a liar.

Jeremiah 14:14 And the LORD said to me: "The prophets are prophesying lies in my name; I did not send them, nor did I command them or speak to them. They are prophesying to you a lying vision, worthless divination, and the deceit of their own minds.
Jeremiah 14:15 Therefore thus says the LORD concerning (and not "regarding") the prophets who prophesy in my name although I did not send them, and who say, 'Sword and famine shall not come on this land:' "By sword and famine those prophets shall be consumed."
Jeremiah 23:32 "Hey, I am against those who prophesy lying dreams," says the LORD, "and who tell them and lead my people astray by their lies and their recklessness, when I did not send them or charge them; so they do not profit this people at all," says the LORD.
Jeremiah 29:9 ". . . for it is a lie which they are prophesying to you in my name; I did not send them," says the LORD.

John 21:25 But there are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.

Second Corinthians 4:2 We have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways; we refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to every human's conscience in the sight of God.

Revelation 22:18 I testify to every one who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: If any one shall add to these things, God shall add to him or her the plagues which are written in this book.
Revelation 22:19 And if any one take from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his or her part from The Tree of Life, and of The Holy City, which are written in this book.

So why have I "concocted" or "connived" the following never-never-land fairy-tale discourse?

Because I can.

And why did I do what I can?

Because I wanted to do what I could. Don't you 'want to do what you can?' End of line.

In view of that, the following adult-and-even-teens-appropriate? fantasy-fiction dialogue (commentary of which has substantially little if no basis in the LITERAL-and-not-allegorical/symbolic/legend/mythical already-written HISTORY in and of The Bible) is questionably presented to you, the hopefully-not-hapless reader:

ADAM (to Eve): Why the little apron you are are wearing, covering up your thankfully-and-sensually-not-shaven pubic hair which you have imposed on your otherwise-totally-naked pulchritude?

Ezekiel 16:7 and grow up like a plant of the field.' And you grew up and became tall and arrived at full maidenhood; your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare.

ADAM: I never knew that you knew how to sew like that. Do you plan on getting into hardanger, tadding, stitching, and weaving also?

EVE: Thanks for the compliment. I see that you yourself have on a little apron which you are covering your normally nude penis with. Not a bad job of sewing. Better than mine, if I say so myself, in my feminist pride which caused me, wandering around without your accompaniment nor approval, naively exposing myself to non-solicited duress, to stick the forbidden fruit - without first asking you and your superior-gender patriarchal advice - into the big hole under my chauvinistic nose which should have remained shut under the circumstances, and which imposed on future humankind indescribable pain, suffering, misery, and woe.

ADAM: How am I ever going to have sex with you with that thing on?

EVE: Beats the heck out of me. Ask the supreme being.

ADAM: Hey creator: How are we ever supposed to multiply and fill the Earth per your Prime Directive with these chastity aprons on? Kind of inconvenient to keep playing titillatingly-naughty lift-it-up peek-a-boo to shamefully expose what we were divinely endowed with shamelessly in the first place.

THE FATHER: I got good news and bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?

ADAM: Lay the bad news on us first.

THE FATHER: You both are going to have some serious frostbite trouble roaming around the North Pole in the Arctic wearing nothing but that. Walking barefoot on the hot sands of the Sahara won't be a picnic either. And your blood will literally boil if you spacewalk outside the space station revolving around Earth dressed only in aprons.

Genesis 3:21 So the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins (perfectly-tailored fashion statements, to die for), and clothed them.

ADAM: So, eternally-always-preexisting Son of God, what do you think of islamo-muslim modesty dogma?

THE SON: Well, hijab is the proper Islamic dress code, which is primarily intended to safeguard the modesty, dignity and honor of men and women. By wearing hijab, women protect themselves from any lustful gaze or act that may expose them to temptation or harassment of any kind. On the other hand, it protects men from indulgence in vices and unlawful acts.

Hijab does not only refer to head cover, but to the whole dressing of a woman. This means that there are certain requirements for a woman's dress to be islamic: It must cover almost all of the whole body.

It must not be tight or transparent. It must not emphasize non-presentable-in-public-view parts of the body, especially those parts that are sexually attractive.

A woman must cover all her body except her face and hands while in the presence of men she is not currently married to. The majority of imams - including those of the four schools, as well as others - hold the opinion that, generally, a woman is not obliged to cover her face and hands.

The aforementioned position of the majority on this issue seems to be more consistent with the general understanding and evidences of the Qur’an and Sunnah than of those who advocate also covering the face and hands.

A Muslim woman is required to cover all her body except her face and hands, according to the majority of scholars belonging to all schools. Covering the head, however, is not at all a disputed issue among them - they all agree that this is a necessary part of hijab.

First Corinthians 11:4 Any male human who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head,
5 but any woman who prays or prophesies with her head unveiled dishonors her head -- it is the same as if her head were shaven.
6 For if a woman will not veil herself, then she should cut off her hair; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her wear a veil.
7 For a male human ought not to cover his head (with a "jewish" kippah/skullcap/beanie or shawl, nor "arab" turban or scarf when praying), being he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of a male human.

There is no controversy regarding covering the whole body except for the face and hands. The controversy occurs in respect of covering the face and hands. The majority of scholars say it is not obligatory, while few others maintain it is obligatory. Thus, a woman must abide by the agreed ruling which stipulates that a woman must cover her whole body except the face and hands, except when being born, bathing, or having insertive heterosexual copulation.

As for the controversial part of the issue, there should be no hardship for people. For example, if a woman is so beautiful to the extent that she attracts men's attention and her beauty tempts them, she should cover her face (and keep it off video newscasts and TV broadcasting and magazine covers in general), as an aspect of preventing harm, even if it is agreed that niqab is not obligatory. On the other hand, some women, limiting themselves to very-selective general public view, might have some breathing or skin problems because of which they cannot tolerate wearing face cover.

ADAM: Also, concerning (and not "regarding") Full Body Security Scanners (also called nude-body scanners) which are to be installed at various airports in United States and Europe in the far-distant future at sundry locations on planet Earth, several human rights and religious groups will express their concerns and disapproval against such scanners on the grounds of violation of privacy and human dignity.

The Fiqh Council of North America (FCNA) will emphasize that a general and public use of such scanners is against the teachings of Islam, natural law and all religions and cultures that stand for decency and modesty. It will be a gross violation against clear Islamic teachings that women not be seen naked by men who they currently are not married to. Islam emphasizes ‘haya’ (modesty) and considers it part of faith.

The Qur’an has strongly advised and recommended adherents, both men and women, to keep their private parts covered in general public view. Human beings are urged to be modest in their dress. See Quran, 7:26-27; 24:30-31; 33:59.

FCNA recommends that instead of producing and displaying a picture of the body, software should be designed to produce only the picture of questionable materials on an outline of the body. Further, other technologies could be used that detect the presence of explosives without infringing on modesty as some European leaders have pointed out.

Islamic scholars disagree as to whether it is obligatory to cover the face and the palms of the hands. All other parts of a woman’s body (such as her hair, her neck, her arms, etc.) are certainly awrah and must be covered in public, according to the consensus of the scholars.

All islamic scholars agree that a woman is not necessarily required to cover her face and her hands - except at times when exposing them will lead to fitnah (temptation). This is why many scholars - even those who do not consider a woman’s face to be awrah have required young and attractive women to cover their faces.

It is clear that many women who do not cover their faces fall into sin, either because they expose part of their hair by slanting it at an angle across their foreheads, or because they expose their faces in situations where there is a fear of fitnah.

It is wajib for men to recite prayers loudly. Women are required to pray in whisper only when males are present to not become guilty of abusive vocal sexual harassment, as with background music of females vocalizing in various stores and restaurants.

The issue of the Niqab has continued to arouse extended controversy and debate between `Ulama (scholars) and Fuqaha (jurists) both past and present concerning whether it is Wajib (mandatory) or Mustahab (optional) for women to expose her face or not. Each of the two sides clings to their own opinions which they support with evidences from the Quranic ayaat, the Prophetic hadeeths and the practice of the Sahabah and their views.

Song of Solomon 2:14 Oh my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the covert of the cliff, let me see YOUR face (not some whore-equivalent), let me hear YOUR voice (not some slut-equivalent), for YOUR voice is sweet, and YOUR face is attractive.

EVE: Wow, now I am REALLY going to have a problem with that reproduction thing. Hair tied up in a chignon or covered with hijab burka, long sleeves, long slacks or long non-slitted skirt, socks with shoes or boots. . . Man, do I ever feel warm! Ready for fatal heatstroke. Where's the Antarctic air conditioning under the shade trees? Do I, wearing my new wardrobe, turn you on Adam?

ADAM: It's a mixed bag. As my wife, I think it sucks for personal love-making romance and intercourse possibilities. But when we start reproducing offspring - IF that is yet possible with you dressed like that - I will be damn jealous if some other guy sees you in the buff without those clothes on and consequently screws you. So, what do you think of me in my professional business suit attire?

EVE: Downright spiffy. But what is there to sk and fk with?

ADAM: Watch your language, Eve. Don't talk dirty. Use medical terms, such as "fellatio" and "insertive coital copulation."

THE SPIRIT: Yeah Eve. Remember how it was when Adam was nude, and do not forget. If you lose the memory of it, ask him to refresh your memory, after which you most likely will figure out what to do next. Watch your terminology. Self-righteous and legalistic prudes will have a heyday if you engage in explicit talk when misfortunately surrounded by such despicable vile vermin.

Galatians 2:4 But because of false brethren secretly brought in, who slipped in to spy out our freedom which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage . . .
Galatians 2:5 to them we did not yield submission even for a moment, that the truth of the gospel might be preserved for you.

Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer every one.

Titus 1:15 To the pure all things are pure, but to the corrupt and unbelieving nothing is pure; their very minds and consciences are corrupted.

EVE: So what's the good news? Is the human body and human nudity and sex immoral and something to be ashamed of? per:

Ephesians 4:29 Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 5:4 Let there be no filthiness, nor silly talk, nor levity, which are not fitting; but instead let there be thanksgiving.

ADAM: Can't say that. But I'm still thinking about exactly how to reproduce, without lusting at the demonic brainwashing propaganda and satanic addicting idols of R-to-XXX paperbacks and photos and videos, per God's command:

Genesis 1:28 And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."

ADAM: And He repeated it to Noah et al, blowing wacko-nutjob overpopulationists out of the water:

Genesis 9:1 And God blessed Noah and his sons (where were the daughters?), and said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth."
Genesis 9:7 "And you, be fruitful and multiply, bring forth abundantly on the earth and multiply in it."

ADAM: So what about that, God?

THE FATHER: I have a suspicion that you all will get completely naked again eventually, both for good and for evil purposes. In both cases, reproduction will occur, although if you sit in front of the boob tube watching non-free-wifi-internet subscription-payments-subsidized Comcast-cable's porno shows mis-rated "PG," such as Naked Fear or Naked Fearlessness or whatever, Naked and Afraid or Naked and Fearless or something like that, and Naked Dating or Naked Orgy or Dating Nakedness or something like that, you'll sit there screwing yourself in self-sodomizing masturbation and nothing will be reproduced at all except antisocial consequences of your mindless and aberrant stupidity.

ADAM and EVE (in unison): So is there any solution and resolution about this dilemma, Lord, that we are so thoroughly clothed as we are, and yet required to get turned on by becoming unclothed with each other to entice us to sk and fk (or, in medical terms, engage in copious fellatio and genital-insertion copulation actions) and not merely talk about it in vulgar expletives?

THE SON: There is. When in general public view, the following applies:

Second Samuel 13:18 [RSV & NASV] Now she was wearing a full-length robe with long sleeves reaching to the wrists and the ankles (as it states in literal-Hebrew Strong's and the Brown-Driver-Briggs theological-semantics definitions), for thus were the virgin daughters of the king traditionally attired. So his servant put her out, and bolted the door after her.

Jeremiah 2:25 [KJV, RSV, NASV, but not NIV] Keep your feet from going unshod and your throat from thirst. But you said, 'It is hopeless, for I have loved strangers, and after them I will go.'

First Timothy 2:9 I want women to already be adorned modestly whenever in general-public mixed-gender view wearing inexpensive decent clothing . . .

Second Corinthians 5:4 For while we are still in this tent, we sigh with anxiety; not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.

Revelation 16:15 "Wow, I am coming like a thief! Blessed is he who is awake, keeping his garments that he may not go naked and be seen exposed!"

ADAM: All that is fine and dandy for preventing confusion in paternity lawsuits, Lord, and designating which kid belongs to which daddy. Also whacks VD and AIDS in the bunghole. But it does not answer the question of how or when for Eve and I to get totally nude again like we were, like you originally made us and intended that we be, so that we erotically arouse each other enough to conjugate for progenie.

THE SPIRIT: Not a problem. Consider these from My Word:

Isaiah 3:17 the Lord will smite with a scab the heads of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will lay bare their secret parts.

Isaiah 20:4 so shall the king of Assyria lead away the Egyptians captives and the Ethiopians exiles, both the young and the old, naked and barefoot, with buttocks uncovered, to the shame of Egypt.

Isaiah 47:1 [KJV and RSV] Come down and sit in the dust, virgin daughter of Babylon; sit on the ground without a throne, daughter of the Chaldeans! For you shall no more be called tender and delicate.
Isaiah 47:2 Take the millstones and grind meal, put off your veil, strip off your robe, uncover your legs, pass through the rivers.
Isaiah 47:3 Your nakedness shall be uncovered, and your shame shall be seen. I will take vengeance, and I will spare no human.

EVE: I like Isaiah. Forthrightly frank and sexy guy - but plainly no molester nor pervert. Gives us hope.

THE SPIRIT: There's more:

Numbers 5:18 [RSV & NASV - not KJV nor NIV nor TEV] And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD, and unbind the hair of the woman's head . . .

Proverbs 5:18 [KJV and NASV - not RSV] Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
Proverbs 5:19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight, be infatuated always with her love.
Proverbs 5:20 Why should you be infatuated, my son, with a loose woman, and embrace the boobs of an adventuress?

Song of Solomon 7:1 How graceful are your footsteps in sandals, royal maiden! Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand.
2 Your navel [not the navel of some floozy bellydancer or striptease harlot] is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is a heap of wheat, encircled with lilies.
3 Your two breasts (with or without bra on?) are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.
4 Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your (non-veiled) eyes are pools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim. Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon, overlooking Damascus.
5 Your head crowns you like Carmel, and your flowing locks (i.e. mopheaded loose long hair, hanging lower than mouth-level) are like purple; a king is held captive in the tresses.
6 How fair and pleasant you are, loved one, delectable maiden!
7 You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters.
8 I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches. Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples,
9 and your kisses like the best wine that goes down smoothly, gliding over lips and teeth of sleepers.

Ezekiel 16:37 therefore, hey, I will gather all your lovers, with whom you took pleasure, all those you loved and all those you loathed; I will gather them against you from every side, and will uncover your nakedness to them, that they may see all your nakedness.

Ezekiel 23:3 they played the harlot in Egypt; they played the harlot in their youth; there their young breasts were pressed and their nipples squeezed.

Hosea 2:2 Plead with your mother, plead -- for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband -- that she put away her harlotry from her face, and her adultery from between her breasts;
Hosea 2:3 lest I strip her naked and make her as in the day she was born, and make her like a wilderness, and set her like a parched land, and slay her with thirst.
Hosea 2:4 Upon her children also I will have no pity, because they are children of harlotry.

ADAM: Cool. All that stuff gives us some neat sex-educational ideas. And creative inspiration. NOW we're getting somewhere!

THE SON: Marriage first, THEN nudity and sex AFTER that during permanent marriage - whether to a wife or concubine:

First Corinthians 7:1 [NOT NIV!] Now concerning the matters about which you wrote. It is well for a man not to touch a woman.
2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.
4 For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does.
5 Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a while, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control.
6 I say this by way of concession, not of command.
7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
8 To virgins and widows (who lost their husbands in war or traffic accidents) I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do.
9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.

EVE: So marrying FIRST is the answer? How is after-then-during-matrimony complete nudity and coital sex and production of multiplied offspring involved with that?

THE FATHER: Good question, Eve, though Adam should be the spokes-MAN asking that. The answer to your interrogative is, by obvious implication:

First Timothy 2:11 Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness (to God and not the Tempter in or out of The Garden).
12 I allow no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent.
13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve;
14 and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor.
15 Yet woman will be saved through bearing children, if she continues in faith and love and holiness, with moderation.

First Timothy 5:7 [KJV-type-but-not-RSV/NASV/NIV translations] Command this, so that they may be without reproach.
8 If any one (as a lazy welfare-dependent slacker) does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his own family, he has disowned the faith and is worse than an infidel.
9 Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of [SS-checks-recipient] age, having been the wife of ONE husband;
10 and she must be well attested for her good works and not faith alone, as one who has brought up children, shown hospitality, washed the feet of the saints, relieved the afflicted, and devoted herself to doing good in every way.
11 But refuse to enroll younger widows; for when they grow wanton against Christ they desire to marry,
12 and so they incur condemnation for having violated their first pledge.
13 Besides that, they learn to be idlers, gadding about from house to house, and not only idlers but gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.
14 So I would have younger women (NOT "widows" - being that the Greek-Text word is: and not: ch(e)ras -- in spite of any supposedly-overriding pre-or-post "context") marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the enemy no cause to revile us.
15 For some have already strayed after Satan.